I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
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I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
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yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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