matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
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I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
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We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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