My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
