In the future we'll all be gay
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
