she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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