Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Randomize
