omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
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