He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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