I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Randomize
