I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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