Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
