Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
