so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
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Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
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Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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