Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Randomize
