I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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