I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
