He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
