I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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