Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
