At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
