You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
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