so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
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I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
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Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Congratulations! We have a period
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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