He disabled his match.com account in front of me
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
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