new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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