I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
