He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
His hands were made for my vagina.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Randomize
