I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
