your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Randomize
