i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
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