can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
