happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
