I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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