last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Randomize
