You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
operation have a gay friend backfired
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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