Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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