She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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