The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
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If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
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Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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