I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
i need an iv and a liver transplant
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
True strength comes from lack of pants
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