When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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