My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Randomize
