I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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