anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
