What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Randomize
