I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
