I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
