Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
