Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
