Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
God gave him joint rollers for hands
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
