Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
