I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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