My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize