I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
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It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
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I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
So vagazzling was a success
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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