So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
