we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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