i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
