I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
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