allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Randomize
