Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
