i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
