Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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