Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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